What do you do when your ex won't accept that it's over?

Say it once, then stop

When someone will not accept an ending, the instinct is to explain it better, as if the right words would finally get through. Often they do not. Your ex is probably not short of information; more likely they are hoping you will change your mind, and every reply, even an irritated one, can teach them that pushing gets a response.

So say it one more time, in writing, and make it plain rather than soft: "Our relationship is over and I'm not going to change my mind. Please stop contacting me." Then stop replying, with no further reason, no gentler version and no answer to each new message. Silence after a clear statement is not rude; it is the message. If your ex has ever scared you or made threats, talk to an advocate before sending even this, who can help you judge whether to send anything and how your ex may react.

Settle anything practical, such as a key or a shared bill, without reopening the subject: one written exchange about that item, or a friend who collects your things. If you share children, keep contact to the children, in writing where you can, and follow any court arrangement to the letter.

No last talk for closure

A common request is one more conversation, to understand or to say goodbye properly. It is hard to refuse someone who is plainly hurting, but a meeting set up to finish things often does not finish them. It can easily turn into another round of pleading, and agreeing to it suggests the decision is still open. If they say they will hurt themselves unless you meet, call 911 if the danger seems immediate; getting them help does not mean reopening the relationship.

You can decline without a debate, "I've said what I needed to say, and I'm not going to meet," and you do not have to repeat it each time they ask. Never agree to see them alone somewhere private, whether their place, yours or a car. If you truly must meet, to hand over a pet or sign something, choose a busy public place in daylight, bring a friend, and keep it short. If they have ever frightened you, skip the meeting entirely: a friend can do the exchange for you, and an advocate can help you plan it.

Blocking, and what to tell friends

Blocking their number, email and social accounts is a reasonable step, not a cruel one. Some people prefer a filter that sends the messages to a folder unread, so a record builds up without each one landing in front of you. If you are worried about threats, an advocate can help you weigh the two, since blocking can also hide warnings.

Tell friends and family plainly what you need: "Please don't pass on messages from them, don't tell them where I am or who I'm seeing, and don't try to get us talking again." Some will mean well and urge you to hear your ex out, and you can thank them and keep your answer. If a mutual friend keeps carrying messages anyway, it is fine to see less of that friend for a while.

Keep a record

Start a simple log from the first unwanted contact: the date and time, what happened, how they reached you, and anyone who saw it. Save texts, emails, voicemails and messages, with screenshots that show the date and the sender, and keep copies somewhere your ex has never had the password for. Add each new entry on the day it happens, rather than from memory later.

A record does two jobs. If you need help from the police or a court, a dated pattern is far easier to show than a general sense that it has gone on too long. And on days you wonder whether you are making too much of it, it shows you what has actually happened.

When it becomes stalking or harassment

Some behavior has gone past a painful breakup: repeated contact after you have said stop, turning up at your home, your work or places you go, following you or waiting outside, tracking your location or getting into your accounts, asking around about where you are, and threats against you, the people close to you, your pets or your privacy. These are serious, and not something to wait out.

Tell the police, and bring your record. Courts can grant protective orders, sometimes called restraining orders, that require a person to stay away or stop contacting you, and how they work differs from state to state. An advocate can explain the process where you live, help you decide whether to seek one, and help you plan for how your ex might react.

Meanwhile, give neighbors or building staff a description or a photo, let a manager or security at work know, and ask a coworker to walk out with you. Vary your routes where you can, and get an advocate's help changing passwords and location settings if you think your phone or accounts are being watched. Call 911 the moment you feel in immediate danger.