What do you do when drinking or drug use is affecting your relationship?

What it does, not what to call it

Arguing over what to call someone's drinking, or whether it really counts as a problem, tends to go nowhere. A label invites a defense, and the conversation can turn into a dispute about the word.

Describing the effect on your life together often gets further: plans canceled at the last minute, money that keeps running short, nights spent waiting up, conversations they do not remember the next day. You saw those yourself, and nobody has to agree on a diagnosis to talk about them.

A calm, sober moment

Raising it while your partner is drunk, high or hungover tends to bring denial or a fight, and they may not remember whatever you agree on. A quiet time when they are sober and neither of you is rushed gives it a better chance.

Then talk about particular moments and how they affected you, rather than about who they are. Something like "Last Saturday you didn't remember the drive home, and I was scared" sticks to what happened and how it felt, and leaves less to dispute. They may still play it down or promise it will not happen again. One talk may not settle this, and you can come back to it.

If drinking or drugs make your partner frightening or violent, do not raise it while they are using, and perhaps not alone with them at all. Talk it through first with an advocate at the National Domestic Violence Hotline, and think about where you could go if things turned dangerous.

Stop covering for it

You cannot make someone stop, but you can change your own part. Partners often end up absorbing the fallout a little at a time: calling their boss to say they are sick, making excuses to family, cleaning up after a bad night, or lending money that ends up paying for drinking or drugs.

Each of those can feel like kindness, and each can make it a little easier to keep going, because someone else is paying the costs. Stepping back is not a punishment. It means you stop carrying what was never yours to carry.

Decide, too, what you will and will not do, and then stick to it calmly and consistently. You might refuse to ride in a car they drive after drinking or using, or to let children ride with them, or you might leave a party once they are drunk. Those limits are about your own actions, not rules for theirs. If keeping to one could put you at risk, talk to an advocate first.

When you both drink or use

When it is something the two of you share, it can be harder to see clearly. Each of you sets the other's sense of normal, and weekends, friendships and routines can slowly come to be built around it.

When one of you wants to cut back, the balance shifts. The other may feel judged or left behind, and shared evenings can suddenly feel awkward. Talk about what each of you actually wants, for yourself and for the relationship, and what you might do together that does not involve drinking or using. You may want different things, and that is worth knowing. If you want to cut back yourself, what follows about seeing a doctor and stopping safely applies to you as well.

Help for them, and for you

If your partner decides to get help, a doctor is a good first call. Suddenly stopping heavy daily drinking can be medically dangerous, as can stopping some drugs, so it should happen with medical advice rather than on willpower alone. Some treatment programs and counselors also make room for partners, and it is fair to ask whether theirs does.

Look for support of your own either way. A counselor can help you work out what you can live with, including whether you want to stay. Support groups such as Al-Anon, for people affected by someone else's drinking, and Nar-Anon, for people affected by someone else's drug use, bring together people in your position, and hearing from others who know what it is like can make it feel less lonely.

If someone may have overdosed, cannot be woken or is struggling to breathe, call 911 right away. If opioids could be involved and naloxone (Narcan) is at hand, use it. Stay with them until help arrives, on their side if they are breathing, rather than leaving them to sleep it off.